I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Are my feet made of real feet?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
