Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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