i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
