Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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