She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
