Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
