So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
