U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
