Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
