He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
there's paper in my vomit.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We need to feng shui this bitch.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
