1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
