From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
