Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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