Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
