Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
is that a dick in a sweater?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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