More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This baby is an asshole
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
