when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Terrible idea I love it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
