im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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