Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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