billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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