organizing the empties. That sober.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
