so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
