my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
