Moan for me like Helen Keller
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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