I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
