I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
