youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We named our party play list daddy issues
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
