take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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