Dual....:-)
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
