ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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