mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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