If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
