when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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