My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
