Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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