I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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