My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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