I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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