JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
