i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
