who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
