i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
