Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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