she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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