I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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