Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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