Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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