He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
