A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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