last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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