i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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