Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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