I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
