Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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