Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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