I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
