for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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