There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
