So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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