you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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