Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
